summer solstice and sleeping all day
(diary entry from 2024)
Summer solstice, sleeping all day. I think the moon and sun take me out in their own way. Bringing crazy dreams and dizzy mornings. The beach with my friends, sitting on the ferry in our little bikinis not thinking about what we look like, instead talking and laughing about everything. Funny stories, sandwiches, big waves, seltzer, mini speaker and sandy cheeks. Tanning oil, ballet flats, freshly painted toes, red, white and gold, silver shoes, lucky all the time. I feel blessed when i'm around beautiful girls, girl friendships are so important and sacred, what would we do without them. Who knows, i miss how i would feel with the windows down driving my old honda civic and it was dark outside, turnover would play or current joys. Brockhampton reminds me of my senior year of highschool. When i think back to who that girl was i get emotional because she's not gone, she lives in the deepest crevices of me but i'm so proud of how far i have come. I have to chase opportunities, nothing is ever given and I of all people should know that my whole life has been a bunch of turbulent moments, adversity. The only way we grow through life. I think I say that phrase about 4 times a week. Not because it means i'm in a constant state of adversity or troubles, but to remind myself that is how i am here in this present moment. The present is a present and I never want to forget that.I don't like when I smoke weed and I think about everything I've ever done wrong. I'm lucky to be in love. A forever stream of support. Do it all again tomorrow. I'm going to sing in front of a bunch of people. It will be my first time performing. I'm lucky to be given an opportunity like this, I think it will be cute.
Something to u is about the constant yearning of wanting to mean something to someone even though they haven't proven that you * don’t* mean anything but this insecurity you have about not being enough. My friends are awesome. So is my boyfriend. Family matters, a safe place for me to lay my head at night. Everything will work out. I am confident I believe that truly. Strumming my guitar I never thought I sang well, although I've always wanted to be a singer, that little girl from Arizona lives inside of me. The way I paint my nails is my mother and when I lather myself in lotion at night it is also her. I think my anxiety is too, i haven't heard her voice in awhile. We don't call much, is that bad? Or is that normal? We don't have much in common. Other than these mannerisms I picked up from her, she is helpful at times. Surface level things maybe. I miss my little sister. She is getting very big. I should call her also. She plays softball like I do. She wants to go to UCLA and become a veterinarian. I wonder if she will change her mind. She's starting middle school in August. It's so weird how fast they grow up. Middle school was a formative time for me. My best friend and I would bike around the town for hours and meet random strangers. It's crazy how we are alive, we had random online accounts and would talk to these kids from class, then play minecraft in math class. I remember those days like it was yesterday. The innocence was never lost,it's cute how everyone has their own little name. That ends up fitting them so well but is that because they were given and called it their whole life and if they were named something else that would also fit them?
I'm going to be 23 in a few months, I'm glad I'm a summer baby. I remember I hated being born in the summer time but I appreciate it now like we normally do when we age. I wonder what next year will have in store for me. I feel like I'm 19. I hope my heart remains this way, it's good to be full of youth and light and love. I know we won't always look this way but why are we afraid of changing? Maybe its because all the beautiful things we love never age. Art, music, that perfume, that lipstick shade you adore. That cup of tea or recipe that's been in your family for years. How many ways are there to get saturated in someone's mind? I just want to be something to you, and everyone. I hope I make an impact on everyone's life one way or another. I hope they remember the beautiful things i have ever said, or done for them. The amount of times i made them laugh or feel safe. I love when i make someone laugh and feel things.
